Men, Sex, and Chaos
The Link Between Men’s Sexual Discipline and Nation-Building, and A Realistic Womanist Response
Let’s get into it.
One of the greatest tragedies of our time is the degree to which the males of the human species are unwilling or unable to control their sexual natures and discipline their inclinations towards indiscriminate sexual activity.
This is tragic because sexual energy is creative energy and men's undirected, uncontrolled creative energies are mostly responsible for the chaos observed around the world: the war-mongering, the poor land management, the dispossession of peoples from their ancestral lands and worse, from their identities; the broken homes, even the famine stalking the Global South. I say men because despite that catchy tune, we all know who really runs the world and it’s certainly not girls. That said, I must in good faith acknowledge that men don’t even really run the world either: the system does. If you know you know. For the purposes of this conversation and from the perspective of an African sun-child and since they (men) appear invested in the status quo, let’s just keep it moving.
When men are directed and controlled they are a force of nature...when unchecked, they destabilize homes, communities, and nations.
Listen, I've met gods on earth. I'm not even joking. I’ve met men who could change the world for the better on a national scale at the very least, if not continental; men who could wield influence the likes of which has not been seen in this generation - *eyes Ibrahim Traore* - the kind of aura that shapes the world to its liking and according to the vision held. Unfortunately, many live lives of desperation and personal anguish because they refuse to control their sexual urges. This mindset is a product of the patriarchal part of the system which enforces and perpetuates the belief that men are entitled to sex whenever they want it. It’s easy to dismiss a lack of control over one’s libido as ‘it’s only sex’ (is it really ever? ) but that perspective is deeply flawed and dismisses the broader harm caused by such entitlement.
When men are directed and controlled they are a force of nature, building and protecting empires of all shapes and sizes. In their undirected state however their power wreaks havoc, destabilising homes, communities, even nations; creating strife instead of harmony. In this patriarchy we all live in, we know who the authors of conflict are, the ones who expect women and even children to pick up the pieces because they cannot - or refuse to - discipline themselves and direct their creative energies toward proper stewardship.
What shall we say when we recognise that men are not interested in dismantling the patriarchy because they one day hope to benefit from it?
If liberation from oppressive systems is the goal then we cannot handicap each other with bad behaviour the way men cruelly (and intentionally) handicap women by being irresponsible fathers and unreliable mates. Collective aspirations for freedom cannot include the devaluing of women and the continued corruption of the erotic as power but until men recalibrate their entitlement to women’s energy, time, affection, and especially bodies, it’s all jokes. The idea is not celibacy (not necessarily) but mastery and control aka mindfulness over all aspects of one’s identity.
Why is it that the lengths the average man will go to for new p*ssy - the lies, the schemes, the energy expenditure, the financial outlay - far exceed what he will do to, say, establish and sustain a multi-generational family within a healthy community from where he can influence the world and commune in ubuNtu?
Where are the non-psychotic, well-adjusted, revolutionary Black men?!
Instead, this celebrity’s promise is an accurate reflection of all that most men - proudly - claim to desire to bring to the table.
Imagine reducing yourself - willingly - to stud status. Yikes.
What nation-building can we expect from such men? Mastery of his sex drive is the mark of an African man who knows his purpose, who refuses to be a pawn of the anti-African system and all its depravity. Without such discipline a man is a liability, a dependent, a destabilizing force bringing nothing but empty rhetoric and mediocre dycke to a world already overrun by chaos.
What shall we say, then?
Better thinkers than me have been wrestling with this question for a very long time. What shall we - women, witches, queens, goddesses and priestesses - say when men refuse to ascend to mastery of their base natures? What shall we say when we recognise that men are not interested in dismantling the system because although we all suffer under it, they one day hope to benefit from it?
What shall we say, us who live in America Lite (South Africa) when we see America actively recreating the conditions that prevailed in Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale? Because let me tell you, if you know human history you know that that story is not far-fetched at all. South Korean women’s answer to this same question has become what we now know as the 4B Movement.
I am an Afrocentric Womanist because I believe (and this might be naivety on my part) that collective liberation is built on shared responsibility and communal effort and that that includes men. Like my foremothers, my concept of freedom excludes no one. I believe in liberation for all. I do however see movements like 4B as an expected consequence of men’s continued refusal to partner with women. So, again, what shall we say?
Lilith over at Divine Lady Magic says that women disavowing all interactions with men (as in 4B) is a half-existence for women in the same way that not interacting with women outside of fulfilling their basest sexual urges is a half-life for men - not exactly in those words; I’m paraphrasing but you should absolutely listen to what she has to say on the subject. Be warned, she’s not for the weak. The current state of affairs cannot be the desired goal, but what are women to do when men are actually dangerous to them (an understatement), and the patriarchy more so?
On Decentering Men
The 4B movement and similar initiatives worldwide are ways women are attempting to answer the question: What shall we say, then, given the prevailing norms? I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: the answers lie primarily in identity formation and self-mastery.
Decentering men is a collective fever-dream especially for cis-hetero women who date and fall in love with men. I say this because it is premised on two fallacies: 1. that women actually want to do this (versus feeling like they have to) and 2. that women know what ‘decentering men’ actually means. Hint: they do not.
I had an emotionally violent encounter with a man that for years afterward shaped how I interacted with men. Had I known the term at the time, I might have described my efforts then as "decentering men": don’t make eye contact, don’t smile, smile if not smiling will attract danger, don’t be approachable unless your safety depends on it, don’t date men and certainly don’t sex them…and so on and so forth. I seriously thought it possible for me to avoid dealing with half the population. Crazy, right?
Avoiding men and rejecting all engagement with them does not equal decentering them. Essentially, it’s running away from the challenges posed by patriarchy (and/or men). Some might argue it actually reinforces the patriarchy since it requires adjusting one's behaviour based on how men behave. Pretending that avoidance is the same as decentering is why many cis-hetero women live in contradiction. You know the ones: the patriarchy enablers and misogynoir apologists who give men affection and attention they cannot reciprocate or maintain; allow men to rule their homes, hearts and bodies in exchange for the perks of patriarchy princess status; loudly declare (online) they don’t engage with men but still end up pregnant and/or married to men. How, sis? Njani?
In the real world, women love men and often desire love and sex from them, which is entirely natural. I mean, men like this exist, fam.
I know many women who publicly speak out about the harms of engaging with men yet their private lives revolve around attracting and pleasing them. A woman near you is part of the reason why another woman had an exhausting December and is still trying to catch her breath: that ‘kotiza makoti’ culture is upheld and maintained by women for the benefit of men/the patriarchy.
Women think avoiding men, hating men, recruiting other women to hate and avoid men or even becoming gay is decentering men. It is not.
What is decentering men, really?
Decentering men is simply you removing men from the pedestal on which you have placed them. We’ve all been socialised to do that but that mindset and related behaviours can be changed or at least adjusted in your favour. Not overnight, not by lying about it, but by taking stock of your life and what you want it to look like and making decisions with you at the centre. Decentering men means making YOU the centre of YOUR life. Not men, not attracting or keeping a man, but YOU.
The unrealistic desire to avoid men completely is how women end up living lives built on lies, lives that lack integrity and substance. You are not free when your words do not match your desires. You are not free when you are claiming to hate men while still wanting to be courted, pursued, sexed and chosen by them. You can decentre men and still date, sex, and marry them, you simply proceed with your needs front and centre and with a clear understanding of the rules of engagement. It’s not about not dealing with men ever (because unrealistic), it’s about dealing with men on your terms only and always.
In Other News…
Let me tell you how my mothers have gifted me: for Spring they gave me a brutally delicious awakening, a shake-up that left me a li'l shook but rejuvenated. Thank you, Goddess.
For Summer, another shock to the system because a girl is a slow learner. Again, I am grateful and appreciative for the lessons because hello elevation and all that.
Speaking of transformation -
I hung out with the girls the other day and I took the mic, the soapbox, and the high horse to speak on Afrocentric Womanism. In case you forgot, that’s why we are here: individual and collective liberation.
A brief recap:
Afrocentric womanists prioritise radical self-care as essential for wellness and vitality. Our focus is on living well and we define that as: a life that has minimal limits to personal freedom and expression.
We believe that the point of life is more life; the point of life is to live. Period. Where there are barriers and challenges to that they must be dismantled. We recognise the Self within the Whole and the Whole within the Self. We belong to people and places, and people and places belong to us. We thrive in a community with others who believe the same.
Hi. My name is Noluthando Leonorah. I did a thing. Because time governs all things and it was time.
P.S.
I got into it in a TikTok comment section because I said feminism is white supremacist and anti-Black in its history and roots, and therefore offers limited solutions for the challenges African women face today. Please don’t tell us about bank accounts and voting rights because all you’re describing is the wholesale destruction of our people and our ways. Manini kancane, please.
Come, let us reason together. The academics and researchers in the ‘feminist scholar space’ are doing OK; we know feminism has worked for them. But what about the collective? What about everyone else who isn't privileged by middle and upper class mores and proximity to whiteness and to the fruits of capitalism and the rewards of assimilation? No guys, let's think about this thing.
We are a people who shift reality in accordance with what we believe. What is it, really, that we believe about who we are and what is possible for us as individuals and as a collective?
P.P.S. - Follow Billionaire Mom
Ladies, your desire to be sexually and financially fulfilled is absolutely valid!
A huge shout out to Billionaire Mom for reminding us of who we are as women. Power-oriented, high-achieving women often find that there’s a painful disconnect between who they are at work and who they want to be in private. They pour their energy into hustling for financial success while neglecting the deep need for sensual and sexual satisfaction. This struggle often comes from past womb traumas, and the limiting belief that powerful women can't have thriving relationships with both money and love at the same time. We can heal ancestral wounds and begin to tell new stories, and Billionaire Mom teaches EXACTLY how.
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